Can I Take It Back?

It took me about two weeks to decide in the first place to post “Twisted Nostalgia.” Intellectually, I’m not superstitious; I know the cause-and-effect of magical thinking is a fallacy . . . but I still think magically. On a more gut-than-head level, I think about jinxing myself all the time. For those two weeks I thought, “If I post this, my cancer’s going to come back and I’m going to have to eat my words.”

Well, so far I don’t know that that has happened–I don’t believe that that has happened–but The Oncologist finally got back to me about my migraines yesterday, and this is what she said:

Why don’t you stop taking your meds for a week. If the migraines get better, we’ll know it’s related to the Tamoxifen, and we’ll work out another course of action. [Let me say, for the record, I’m not looking forward to learning what that might be. I’m pretty sure it’s not roots and berries.] If they don’t, I’d say we owe it to you to do a brain scan.

Owe it to me? Did you say brain scan?

Neither of those options sound good. Nor did becoming inextricably addicted to ibuprofen (which only sometimes works on my migraines, but the fact that it ever does is kind of helpful–and surprising), but from this side of the conversation, that’s almost sounding better. Don’t let that Twisted Nostalgia yadda fool you. I’m kind of a wimp. I don’t actually want to do any of this again. I just wanted to want to do it again. Without that particular fulfillment. Can I take it all back?

Taking it back with a smile

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12 thoughts on “Can I Take It Back?

  1. Surviving cancer is great (it beats the alternative) but the worst part about surviving cancer is that you’re never, for the rest of your life, “done” with cancer. You never get out from under its shadow. If you’re lucky enough to live a long, full life after that without having cancer again, you’re still faced with the fact that you’ve had it – and forever vigilant against its return, in any form. Your doctor’s visits aren’t the same, you look at every new event in your health with panicked suspicion, you become well-acquainted with your local medical scanning office. Yeah. I feel you. It’s probably nothing, statistically, as you already know. But yeah.

  2. Pingback: The Popsicle story. «

  3. I constantly battle with superstition vs. logic, so I know where you’re coming from. I hope your migraines turn out to just be the Tamoxifen or some other benign source! Thoughts and prayers are headed your way. XO

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